Like a boss?

It tells you quite a lot about me that as soon as Facebook goes down my initial reaction is “I’ll put a status up or talk to people on chat to see if it’s everyone or just…ah, right.”

Ladies. Gentlemen. Haud the fuck up. 

Just go with me on this one:

Obtain bread

Butter bread on both sides

Fry in oil. Be generous with the oil

Once it’s crisped up remove.

Salt. 

Pepper.

Cut.

Dip in tomato sauce.

Eat.

Thank me for being so fucking terrible at cooking that I discovered this. Also for discovering something that may well have been widely known since time immemorial. 

Been thinking about doing one of those “30 day challenge” things. I only really have three problems with this:

The first is simply that I very much doubt anyone actually reads this. Not that I’m complaining in the “Oh I wish I was more popular on the internet” way, just in the “I never post anything so there’s nothing to read even if anyone was so inclined” way.

The second of these problems is that there’s never a challenge list thingie floating around out there that I actually like. They all ask “What’s your deepest fear?” or other intimate questions that it’s always inadvisable to put on the internet.

The third is that whenever I do find a semi-decent one and think of perhaps doing it I get this cloying sense that that it’s been done before by so many people I know and follow that I’d just be jumping on a bandwagon, something the little hipster in my brain rails against.

Might just do it anyway. Shits ‘n’ giggles, y’know?

Woke up this morning and remembered the following:

- went out with various friends

- got mightily pished on JD&Coke at some shite old-man pub

- vomited

- got on a bus

- vomited, lit a cigarette out of nowhere on said bus

- got off bus, vomited, wandered home from some woods still vomiting

- got home

- put T-shirt through the letter box. Obviously.

- took keys out of pocket, put jeans through letter box

- vomited

- cleaned it up with a hose

- went inside

- vomited again

- passed out on my bed

I woke up thinking “Oh no I have to clean up all this sick inside and outside”, “My parents are going to be so pissed at me!” and “Oh God I’ve made and arse out of myself in front of everyone again.” 

I checked Facebook to see if there was any pictures of the events, or anyone asking if I made it home. I also went downstairs to clean everything up and retrieve my vomit stained clothes, and to get painkillers for the titanic hangover I ha…

Hang on…no hangover? No Facebook messages? No pools of vomit or angry parents? No money missing from my wallet? Something’s not right. We don’t have a hose in that part of the house! I don’t remember even making plans to go out! In fact I distinctly remember having dinner at half past eight, which is way too late to be leaving if I was! I remember having to go and collect mum from her night out at midnight! 

Then it dawned on me that this whole cavalcade of embarrassment was in fact nothing but my brain being a total penis. I had dreamt the whole thing. What the actual fuck, brain? Why would you do that?!

This house looks like a fucking bomb site. I am not looking forward to cleaning it. With this happy thought I shall update you the reader on my wonderful adventures through  the divine life of Stew. 

Not much has happened really, besides being recently returned from another holiday in the North and the little shindig known as an “empty” after that. Holiday was nice. drive home was better. The Highlands have some of the best roads on the planet. Party was better still, even if it didn’t go to plan, for it did not indeed go to plan in any way shape or form. Tomorrow I shall make this house look like nothing ever happened in a cleaning job that would put a CIA “clean up crew” to shame. 

In other news there’s still no luck with a job (SURPRISE!) but that’s to be expected these days since there are none. I’m actually convinced jobs don’t exist and it’s all an elaborate plot to piss me off.

Oh well, it’s too late at night to care about that. Bye!

Finished Nineteen Eighty Four today, got a new book, started reading it. Am now watching 1984: The Movie, and posting about it on Tumblr. Oh the cringing intellectualism.

IT’S POLITICS TIME!

FT SOPA

It’s a dangerous, vile bill designed by representatives who were long ago bought and paid for by media corporations such as Sony/Apple who want to strangle creativity and jobs on the internet.

It also represents a dangerous step towards government and corporate censorship of the internet.

Additionally the bill demonstrates America’s imperialistic tendencies by reaching beyond its borders. 

/rant